Relationships me thinks are a waste of time. Hold up! Before you even decide to lynch me, I have no qualms against those who are in one. Perhaps I’m in one or many. I never really know, I just have a tendency of finding myself in situationships. I thought my last relationship would book me a slot in the local church with the Reverend.
Forgive me father, I was about to quit my adulterous and fornicated ways. I don’t think that would happen soon anyway. Honestly I’ve fallen head over heels with a few girls over my lifetime. I can always imagine myself in such discussions whenever I’m head over heels with them. We’d talk about the future, names of babies we would have, another one would say she’d want to live with me in the country side. Aye, not bad mate. Others would say they’d want a perfect little family plus a dog. Goddamn! I hate dogs. I don’t like them for Pete’s sake. I used to go an arm’s length for these daughters of Eve just to please them. Most times I’d be gifted in doing the complete opposite and I in my right sense of twisted dark humor would refuse to see their faults. If they faulted me at that time, I’d be quick to forgive or at least patch things up to make sure we were rocking the same boat. Sucks, I know.
I always got excited about them girls. I still do get pretty excited when I see one that catches my eyes. They look like angels, lovely, shiny, fluffy, squishy, dolly like. Angelic? I don’t know about that, but I know when one impresses me to make me appreciate whatever time God took in creating her. I’d introduce them girls to my friends. The loyal ones stood their turf, and the randy ones always ended up being shagged passed half way through the squad. I’d always find the good ones whenever I’m going through a rough patch. A few I’ve known offered me a good support system and me being me would always find ways to screw up. As soon as I found my Northern bearings, I’d soil things up and they’d break up with me. I’d be lonely and left in the dark for a couple of weeks without even having a person I could drunk call at 11pm and have lousy sex with.
According to my pals, I’m the guy they’d call whenever they’d want women to flock their numerous house parties and road trips. They’d say I had a girl for every occasion. I don’t know how true that is.
The pressure is slowly building up, the cognitive gears moving towards in a certain direction. Finished school? Check box ticked. Career? Juggling between two of them. Relationship? And that is where Mother comes in. She feels that she is getting old and a few hints of grandchildren would be thrown about in a sarcastic manner. My friends and exes have been getting married all most every Saturday. Such stuff doesn’t scare me at all. No guy should get married before 30. Thirty seems like eons away from me. Most times mother wakes up in the middle of the night and would find me awake typing something on my laptop, while drinking whiskey to keep the demons away. Nope. I’d be writing stories most times. Other nights when sleep would truly decide to desert me, I’d try and make a mini computerized system or game the night away till sleep finds me.
Twenty five feels like shit. One would have to worry about life, work, relationships, anxiety over the future. They say we millennials are always in a rush to do something. I tend to think we are a product of another fucked up generation. We tend to be generalized in a manner that most of them forget about our individuality. So most end up trapped in the definition of societal norms or rebel.
I have a small study in my room whenever I visit back home. It has a well polished mahogany reading table. A reading lamp, a couple of scattered books, a laptop and a dusty unused coffee mug. An old Sony three disc changer would sit three tiles away from the reading table. I’d mostly listen to indie rock music or Capital Fm to keep the creative vibes flowing. At the wall hangs an LED screen and a gaming console. This is where I spend most of my hours slaving away into various virtual realms whenever I’m home.
I have a passive aggressive relationship with God. I attend church. I attend when I think I’ve not been in touch for a while with the guy above. When we were young we feared God. They instilled that sense of fear. But perhaps they should teach that God is love. I go for the morning service. The theatrics from the drunkards always entertains. Yes. Our church isn’t judgemental. You can walk in on a Sunday morning at 6:30am, full of liquor foul breathed smell coming from your nostrils and no one would give a damn about it. The service is short. The earlier it ends the better. I’d avoid meeting members of the church congregation who would be coming in for the second service which is long and tedious.
Church has never been my thing. The way various pastors would bellow or scream into the microphone and their voices would sound thunderous over the humongous speakers. They preached water and drank wine. Why shouldn’t they just drink wine and preach wine? Everyone is always holy on a Sunday. People would be nice, and smile, saying how’ve they missed you but in the real sense really don’t care about what one is going through.
One of those fine days when the nights were short and the days long I’d pop up a sleeping pill to calm down the nervousness. It didn’t help. Instead I found a sickening pleasure in going for a drive night. I came back in the wee hours of the morning. Lately it’s much more of a hobby when I’m doing insane speeds oblivious of the dangers I’d put myself into.
“Why don’t you find a good girl and settle?”
“At least you’d find some sleep and you wont be busy fixing that clutch of yours every now and then. Your gadgets would be able to take a breather for a while.”
Ah, For now let me be. The good ones are getting married every weekend. I don’t need the good ones right now. I need the bad ones. The ones that use people, that way I don’t have to feel guilty over the bad things I put them through like having to choose over going to her place or a night race with the crew. I’ll be burning the clutch and doing drag races in an open road during the night. Someone has to maintain the balance between the bad and the good.