(Image Art: Kevin Shinsky)
I’m a refugee yet I have been in no camp.
Situations, circumstances, events have forced me to be a refugee in my own state of affairs. Karma has never been quiet fair. I never make complains about it either. I don’t regret any decisions made in the past. Some were good, bad, and others derailment numero uno.
Much effort has been put to single mothers. Their works, struggles, hustles have been appreciated through out. The society has been quite supportive and sympathetic towards them. Most have been rewarded and applauded in various forms. What about young fathers?
Life surprised me with a beautiful mistake. Zuri Mghoi. She’s the most beautiful lady ever. She got aphrodisiac eyes that can see through one’s soul. Her giggles can calm the most tormented soul. The smile she flashes oftenly radiates a warmth in my heart that I never quiet feel. I’m always a cold hearted, sarcastic, savage guy.
We young dads are often frowned upon. Especially raising a daughter on your own. People give you that type of look, “sasa huyu alipeleka bibi wapi?” (Where did the wife go)?
Oftenly taunting remarks have been made. “Si uoe, upate mtu wa kukulelea mtoto“, (Can’t you get married so that you can have someone to take care of the child)? One common phrase.
Friends do run away, at times other family members might dessert you.
My phone has been constantly buzzing. Too bad I couldn’t pick up. Fifa has been one sport we can’t get tired of. Atleast she cant accuse you of cheating. Right? Your time being occupied by gaming.
I check my phone and get a couple of messages from Anjalli, my beau beau bear.
Anjalli: Been trying to call you.
Me: Was out gaming with the boys.
Anjalli: I think I’m paged.
Me: You sure it ain’t one of those false alarms of yours?
Anjalli: Oh, now it’s a false alarm,
I can feel her eyes rolling in their sockets.
Me: Have you tested in a hospital to see if its positive.
Anjalli: I bought pregnancy kits and tested positive.
Me: Go to the hospital and test again.
I have been quiet lately. I never expected any child stint. It’s been a safe road all while. I ordered some cocktail juice. I was in no mood of drinking. I needed to think things in a sober manner. My boys were busy damaging their livers silly.
Anjalli texts again.
Anjalli: Na ukae ukijua niko na mimba yako ata ukilenga simu zangu. (I have your pregnancy even if you ignore my calls).
Me: Okay. I’m quite shocked. So what next? What are your plans?
Anjalli: You tell me, I don’t know how I’d break the news home. Mum would be mad, sister would be disappointed. Father would well stop paying for my fees.
Reality sinks in. Congratulations Jake, A third year student with no stable income managed to become a father. How would you take care of your young family? What of back home? You’d rely on love to bring food to the table? Utter bollocks.
Me: You want to keep or flash it?
Anjalli: I want to keep it, but we both not ready for a child Jake.
I fish out a cigarette, light it up and take a really long draaag. I looked at my phone, tried to come to terms with the deeds and events. My heart sunk to an all time new low that day.
Me: We’ll talk when I get back home.
Anjalli: You know it’s a month and two weeks old. Take your sweet time Jake and you bloody know we on a fucking minefield.
Me: We already blew up the moment we set our foot in that field. It happened already.
JKIA Int’l Airport.
Home at last.There’s no one to receive me at the terminal. I have to find my owm means to the crib. I step out and breathe in the cold Nairobi chilly air. I had missed this bipolar weather. I liked how the cold air filled my nostrils. Much better than cigarette smoke. I shudder and cringe at the thought of facing Anjalli. Run Jake Run. Bolt for the hills. But nope, I wouldn’t wanna be a dead beat parent. The social media bashing would kill all hopes of my career. Some women are vile. Hell hath no fury like a scorned paged woman. I face my huddle head on.
I board a taxi and head to my diggz. Honestly I’m tired. I’m quiet scared, the lectures, disappointing looks I’d receive, tongue lashing from mother. What would people say?
I reached my destination and paid the cab guy. Lights on, I wonder who’s in my house at such time. The door hasn’t been locked. I’m I getting robbed? Did the news travel that fast and wide? Too many questions in my head. I enter the house oblivious of my surroundings. Shock hits me pretty rough. There she is. Her eyes red. She’s been crying for a long time.
Me: Hi Anjalli.
Anjalli: Jake, why did you ruin my life? Where I’m I supposed to go with with this child?
Me: Even the best of us do fall at times.
Anjalli: Father won’t pay for my fees unless I get rid of this thing.
Me: We’ll figure a way out.
Anjalli: Do you have enough money to pay my fees? You think you can support the two of us after my parents disown me?
Me: I don’t know.
Anjalli: Don’t bullshit me with your I don’t knows. Answer me Jake, (she says amidst sobs).
A bottle flys across the living room missing me by inches. She is livid. Her temper worsens as more things are hurled at me. I’m not prepared to fight. I can see her belly protruding. She is heavy with child. It’s a full blown fight. Murder and rage has been registered. They show in her eyes.
After half an hour she composes herself. Calms down and takes heavy controlled breathes.
Anjalli: I’ll keep the baby. You’ll never see it.
Me: Stop saying things you have no idea.
My house is a mess, broken plates and glasses. The remote got stuck right in the middle of my t.v screen. A huge ass hole. She stomps out of the house in the middle of the night and disappears into the darkness.
St. Paul’s University.
It’s a month now since I last fought with Anjalli. She stopped coming to school altogether. I’ve not been able to recover from my mess either. Communication lines between us died. No texts nor calls. Completely blocked. I brave the cold Limuru weather and head to the school pub. With no women to chase and keep me warm, it’s better if I drank. It’s been months since I tasted liquor.
I’m a loner. I have no friends. It’s a wonder on how I even managed to get her to be my girlfriend. I gave up thoughts on seeing her. I accepted my fate.
January 7th 2014.
A nice sunny morning. I could see the sun rising as I smoked through my balcony. I changed towns, schools and managed to make new friends. I even got a job that would enable me to take care of myself.
Somebody has been knocking on my door for quite long. I couldn’t hear due to loud music playing from my system. I heard the knocks again, louder this time. I lower the volume and dashes to open the door. Who could it be? Bloody kids? Neighbors complaining about loud music?
I open the door in time just to see a figure disappearing down the staircase. I saw a basket and a note besides it.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I got scared of terminating the pregnancy. I thought I might die and never see you. I know I’m a bad mother. I discarded off my child rather than take care of the responsibility. I’d be much happier if you took care of the baby other than give it up for adoption. It saddens me alot that I chose to run away. It’s a girl Jake. I didn’t know what to name her. Father told me to either give up the baby for adoption or to forget about my education and scholarship. I’m leaving the country next week. I won’t tell you my destination. I don’t want you to look for me. I heard you got a job now, and you well off. Please love our child. It’s a selfish burden that I have inflicted on you knowing that the child needs love from both parents. I’m sorry on how I ended the relationship. I tried to kill you that day. I messed up your house. Later when i stormed out that night, I went home and overdosed on pills. Death never came. I found myself in hospital. My pregnancy miraculously survived. Take care of our child Jake. I Love You. Please forgive me.