Riptide

I’m scared of dentists and the dark, I’m scared of pretty girls and starting conversations, all my friends would squirm and turn green. I never bagged anyone home.

They never feel stuck. Everyone seems to fit in place perfectly just like a jigsaw puzzle. They come unstuck. Everyone looks so pretty but I’m the abomination of my race. Fun would always be made about my height and how slim I am.

I don’t mind about the “fun” they make. My mind is never usually in the confinement they call a classroom. I want to go home. But home is not home.

I’m scared that I wouldn’t be anyone’s assistant magician. So I have to learn all the hard spells by myself. Spells of words that would make her smile. I’ve never been good with words when it comes to self expression. I like this particular girl. She’s so beautiful.

Her beauty cant even be closely compared to the few women I’ve seen in my entire quarter life. She liked to sing. With every yin, there’s a yan. A sinner for a saint, her voice was her own undoing. I’d feel a lump every time she opened her mouth and she’d sing the words wrong.

I’m scared at the very thought that sometimes I feel I’m running away from myself. I’m scared of my perception lately. I tend to think all the pretty things are stacked up at the highest shelves. At times I just want to quit whatever I’m doing, take the next flight and move to a different city. I’m scared cause I’m not sure if it’d deal away with my fears and insecurities. I’m aware that choices have consequences.

I’m scared that I might lose myself to the dark side. It’s calling has been growing louder and louder whenever I’m almost rock bottom. I want to be her left hand man. I’m scared if she says Yes. I’ve never been in any full commitments. How would these new grounds be? What would they feel like? Any dew under my feet perhaps?

And if she says “Yes”, would she stay? Would she stick with me through thick and thin and through all that life would throw my way? I’m scared knowing that I can have her, but at the same time not want her. A dilemma perhaps? I wouldn’t want it in any other way.

I’m scared that my good spirited nature wouldn’t be enough to help all the needy, the orphans and the homeless people. Not many people like my kind. I’m scared if one day the church bells won’t ring. We would be forgotten souls lost in an empire. I would have died to give you hope, but I’m afraid of dying. Even death wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

With whatever little steps I’ve had left in me, I won’t break nor be changed. I have been looking back on the chance I had. To speak and start a riot, Oh Lord, it’s time I moved out of the confines. I’m scared of the uncertainty that life brings  but give me strength. For every son and daughter brought forth in this world, they are burdened, tired, depressed and suffering from various forms of mental illnesses.

I’ve lived a lie, if it’s not for love. These four walls won’t resound my heart.

I’m scared because I’m always scared.

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