(Image courtesy of J.Wanjalla)
To: Miss S.Njagi.
These are the nights I won’t get over and forget. The songs I won’t forget. Days where I grew up and with time I discovered myself. Some places brought out both the best and worst in us. Time has passed by rather quickly. Days turned into months, and the months into years. I never had the time to make one last toast to you.
Overlooking the city below from my balcony as I type this on my laptop while watching the cigarette smoke swirl in the air. Words have never been easy when it comes to you. Reminisce of the days back then, when we were care free. I know you moved on to someone new and hope life is beautiful. I left to find a different path.
I hope someday will sit together by the beach and laugh with each other as we think about those days. All troubles and doubts would have been laid to rest then. It was never pretty when both our hearts got broke. In spirit, mentally, emotionally. Physically we managed to put a facade. A fallacy it was to both of us.
I left to find my soul. My inner being was not at peace. A child we lost. She miscarried when six months pregnant. It took a toll on both of us. What was the whole point of it? Everyone dealt with their grief differently. I couldn’t mourn my unborn baby. I just stayed strong. Atleast that is what I thought. I started staying out alot, coming home late so that I could avoid seeing you in tears. I drowned my sorrows down in every bottle of whiskey I could find.
We drifted apart, grew cold and insensitive towards each other. Therapy never helped. Three years of ups and downs but we had nothing to show for it back then. The house felt big and empty. In the end I tried to turn myself into the ways of the Lord. I needed help. I was falling apart inside. I didn’t know what to do. Pray? I did. Fast? I did. The hypocrisy and judgemental characters coming from within the source turned me back to the world.
Within open arms it welcomed me. I shifted towns changed jobs, juggled between careers and changed schools. One day I called while I was drunk, another guy picked my call. It was late. I knew my cards were outsmarted. Someone else had the ace card. I slept a dejected man. I called in the morning, tried to make ammends.
Words flew back and forth. We said nasty words we both didn’t mean. I believed in love back then. Silly me. Mean words they were. You became afraid of me. Avoided contact with me.
A month passed, I saw you at the supermarket in town but I was too ashamed to say Hi. My pride and ego wouldn’t allow me.
Takes another sip of whiskey and lights up a cigarette and takes a long drag.
I never quit smoking. We always had arguments on how you hated cigarette smoke in the house. The night sky looks pretty at this other part of the world. I remember one night you called me while I was drunk. We never made any sensible conversation. All I know was that you tried your best to make me come to your graduation.
I did show up. Not for you though.All eyes were on you the moment you stepped into the graduation square. The pink dress you donned looked perfect on you. The chains were replaced with pearls. You had already cast off our engagement ring. It wasn’t of use to both of us anymore. A young tall athletic guy replaced me. He was holding your hands. The way you looked at his eyes. I knew it was hard to reverse the roles.
They said things fall apart. In our case both our hearts, souls, and bodies fell into unison whenever we met. By then we both had our different respective partners. But still we could never let go of each other. Made love we did, became lovers we did. Out of town?Damn, “what of our other partners?” you asked. “Right now it’s just you and I.” I would reply.
To be honest I thought you would end up with my last name and that you’d be mother to my kids. That changed. Both our families were saddened. I travelled around the world. Tasted different “dishes”. To appreciate home cooking one has to taste taste different cuisines.
At times I would think of you in whatever part of the world I was in. Wondered where you be living, if you started a family of your own, maybe you got married? Perhaps you finally had children with the man of your dreams.
Whenever those thoughts came, I would find myself texting you. Write a paragraph and then delete it. I would do it for a couple of times before tossing out the whole idea. I would gaze into the blank and long for you. Think of you, what would have become of us.
I couldn’t act right back then. One day I swallowed my pride and decided to call, we did talk well, I couldn’t forget the blue dress you wore when you met me in town after work. Too bad I had to go abit early. What I didn’t tell you was that I would go live in a new country, and would practice my career while there.
I used to think I could get you back, that we would do our MBA somewhere else and that we would build a life. You did your accounts and became the head honcho. Dreams we had back then. Love is a tool to remind most souls that they are not alone when walking in the dark.
I dont regret any of my bad decisions. I’ve had my fair share of liquor and women. Perhaps things would have been different if the baby was born.
You were the light back then for me to find the truth. All I want to say is Thank You.