Seems it was fun. Then I would run back to the booth. Then I would call. Those days mobile phones didn’t exist. “A coin away, A call away”. Was the phrase. It was fun back in our youth. But it wasn’t. After we knew we were actually done through and through. Most of the time we never saw eye to eye.
We got used to eye for an eye. Lie to lie. Fight to fight. It was such a dumbass excuse. You hit me once. Fuck, why did I have to punch you back. Why did I cork the gun? That euphoric feeling when you know you can end someone’s life with just a single trigger. But you don’t. I remember she has my young one growing inside of her. It’s the only thing that attached us. We both never wanted a kid all along. But we already half way that bridge.
Abortion laws were not in existence in our days. So we decided to give it a try and see if we can both work out our differences and take care of the baby. We carried on with our feuds and public spats. The public got used to our bickering over many petty excuses. I loved you alot. I hated that part of me.
Damn. I was never ready for this. The only fraction of truth I know right now is, given the time, I’d have changed many things. I’d have changed how I do things. Differently.
At 3:00 a.m you woke me up screaming. Fuck. You screamed alot. Yelled alot. I could see you were in pain. I wouldn’t trade places with you at any given time. I was confused. I fumbled alot with the car keys before I could start the car.
I drove like a mad man. Ignoring the traffic lights nor the risk I was putting us through. With each ear piercing scream, the more I accelerated. For a moment I was scared of losing you. I remember pacing up and down outside the labor ward. I’m not quite a prayerful person. But I remember mumbling something to God. The guy who resides above the clouds.
I was usually quite lost without you. I remember when you held her in your arms. She had your personality. She had my eyes. Heck her ears were quite the same size as mine. What an uncanny resemblance. I named her Hope. Her smile, so beautiful. How come I could be a Lord and a goddamned loser at the same time.
Today Hope took her first steps. You’ll walk soon. I just want you to know we’ll both do whatever in our way to raise you up properly so that you dont become broken like us.
“Sorry. We never lived up to that promise.”
And one summer morning, cops showed up at our door with your warrant for arrest. You had disappeared for almost a week. And when you came back, you had already ditched the car. Whenever I asked about it, you threw insults.
The arm of the law is pretty long. Yes it caught up with you. The last argument we had exposed us alot. You grabbed the car keys and stormed off into the rain and off you drove. It later seemed that out of your rage and anger. You ran over someone and ditched the car by the roadside.
I remember when they took you into custody and hauled you to court, and later you were handed a life long sentence on the second degree of murder. She was three when they took you away. Everyday I waited for that mail lady. Perhaps I could recieve a letter or word from you. I loved you more than I loved me. I hated that part of me. We tied the knot. We broke the knot. We crossed lines we were not supposed to cross. Words we didn’t mean to say and words we said but we didn’t.
If it weren’t for our constant bickering, perhaps we’d have something good. Hope is doing okay. I’m a hero in her eyes. Leaving you was hard more than you could comprehend. All I wanted was for us not to hurt. The blame games were too much. Back then when we had sarcasm and we were both drawn into each others darkness. Maybe it was true love. Shit we never believed in or thought it was possible. We both thought we had forever. We weren’t bad parents to her but we were just bad together. I dont have a closure. I’m tired of chasing your ghost and illusion.
And another letter thrown into the bin. Just like that. They never reached her, nor were they thrown together with the other trash.
“Sorry Kelsey. This scumbag was never more of a good husband”.
By the time you’ll be reading this you’ll be around the age of fifteen. I know young boys are trying to use cheeky lines to get your attention. Wish I would whack them off. You’ll fall in love with someone hard. And your little heart will be broken into pieces by the person you love the most.
Daddy got trapped in his own castle. You’ll flip the pages after I’m long gone. I remember when you used to come home from school crying. They talked bad about dad. It shook you off to the core. It ticked me off too. We both had the mutual feeling of non belonging. I usually got a nervous. But if I put the same energy and enthusiasm then perhaps you my princess, will sit on the throne.
I could barely support me, let alone support you those days. Why do these dreams so close and yet seem so far at the same time. Dad tried to make ends meet. So long as you were healthy and got proper education, that was what mattered alot at that time. You never noticed him working hard alot. But the ends never met. He fell into depravity. Drunk alot. Popped stress pills alot. In the end he gave you up for adoption.
Many years later I saw you on television. Sitting in my living room with my wife and kids. They said you had a medical condition. That both your kidneys failed. I had everything I wanted in life. The money and the fame. At this juncture I was economically satisfied. But still Hope, you were a part of me, a past of me. No one forgets their first child. No matter the conditions involved.
A week later they said your health was deteriorating. I stepped out of the house and told hunny I was going out for a cut. I looked shaggy. But instead I drove straight to the hospital where you were. I’d donate one of my kidneys for you. Its the least I could do.
For a whole day they did tests on me just to check if we were compatible. We were scheduled for an organ transplant later in the week.
We are being wheeled into the theatre. I can see you across the room asleep. You had your mama’s smile. I could feel the anaesthetic injection. In the end I got fed up with the fame. If they could take it back. I don’t want it anymore. Just know daddy is a good person. He sacrificed for you in the end. If things should worsen then just know I was at the end of my rope. Its a slippery slope down from here. I made peace with the guy who resides above the clouds. I’m getting drowsy. Love. Dad.
“Sorry Hope, that you had a rough early childhood. And that your dad gave you up for adoption.”
Hours later into the operation,…..
Doctor 1: Shit. A major artery has been cut. We need more blood and more oxygen.
Doctor 2: His heart beats are dropping. His blood pressure is dropping rapidly.(Calls out nurse). I need the EKG right now.
Nurse 1: On it.
Nurse 2: We are loosing him.
(EKG is already prepared)
Doctor 1: Charge 50.
(EKG Set at 50). Charge.
Nurse 1: Nothing at all. He is unresponsive.
Doctor 1: Charge 100.
(EKG Set at 100). Charge.
Doctor 2: We can’t afford to lose him. Add more power and charge. We see if we can get his heartbeat back on the higher up.
Nurse 2: His heart is almost at flat out. (Already panicks).
Doctor 1: Charge 150.
(EKG Set at 150). Charge.
Nurse 2: We lost him. His heart rate is gone. Not there. His pressure is low. Time of death 2354hours.
Doctor 2: What of the girl across? Her condition is stable?
Nurse 1: Yes everything is stable with her. Her body has not rejected the kidney.
My bad. I couldn’t see your beautiful smile,and the lights that shown in your eyes in the end.
I wake up panting and sweating. What the heck was all of that?. I get out of my bed and go to the cabinet and pour myself a glass of whiskey. I go to the balcony with my whiskey in hand. I’m still visibly shaken to the core. I fish out a cigarette, light it up, and I take a long draaaaaaag. As I view the city below. It was all a dream.