Amwadeghu, I wish I had met you earlier and narated my story to you. But due to this Covid season I’ll just put it in a draft and hope this email finds you. I’m in no position to meet you simply because I already have an image of you in my head. And I wouldn’t want to spoil that fantasy I have of you in my head.
Here goes my story of my ex and I,
This is sorta a mess and hard to follow but please, bear with me until the end. Call me stupid, call me shitty at letting go, call me pathetic, but I just have a few things to say. And after that… lets see how it goes.
So in the past week, I read parts of a book called “the art of loving” by Erich Fromm. Then I was listening to Ben Platt’s “run away” and he sang: “to love is not to leave” And through the book and just all the thinking i had done, I realized; You never loved me.
I realize there is no point in thinking about the what ifs. It wouldn’t have worked out. If distance was able to wriggle itself between us, even just a little, then it just wasn’t love. Because I’m not saying that perfect love exists. I’m not saying it’s all magical, ethereal, whatever. But love, I believe, is just overused. Every little thing is love in our society. we’ve widened the horizon to encompass a variety of not exactly healthy relationships as “love.”
And so I don’t expect much from you. I will not sit here and ask you to give yourself to me. I will not beg you to care, I will not beg you to speak. I will hurt. I will long for you. Deep down, I’ll always know breaking up with you that day was the right choice. It wouldn’t have worked out one way or another. Thing is, I see you struggling with yourself. With what you’re going to do about your future. For your current family, future family, your mother. I may not fully understand the depth of that concern, whatever it is that drives you forward.
If you would let me, I will promise to try my best to learn to love you, and through that love, even though you probably disagree with me, and will take a while to see my side, I will be willing to be that breath of fresh air you can take once in a while as you go diving for your pearls and riches. And i will promise to try to stay by your side for as long as my young mind can last, to show you, in attempting to love you, that maybe the true beauty of diving isn’t in the pearls you collect, but that moment as you shoot from the darkness into light, the moment when your lungs finally fill with oxygen, that breath of fresh air.
But if, after all, you decide you do not want me, then I will respect that, and love you in the quiet little way that i always did and always will have. Unseen and undisturbed. And one day, when the time comes, I will return to your life, loving you in the way that you likely want to be loved, in that beautiful bond we call friendship. And until that day, I will learn to love someone else, and ask them to teach me the ways of real love. Until that day, I will learn to love you, and other people, unconditionally and selflessly, whether that be through you or another. Please, feel free to say no.
I’d walk away from this knowing I still made a lasting impact on you, urged you to think a little more, and that is honestly enough. I will be satisfied. So if that is what you want, then please, go for it.
Sweet, simple. Not too much, not too little, because if we do it right, too much would not be a thing—but baby steps, because we’re not gonna get it right on the first try. Just not too much, not too little, for now, so that we can sustain it for however long we need to really learn. But always trying, always willing, learning. That’s what I ask of you. Not the blinded passion of what was before. Not the crazy willingness to DO. But to concentrate on us when warranted, to care, to try.
Because i’m not doing this because i think “we’re meant to be”. I’m doing this because I may not love you, but I care enough to try to do so. Because i firmly believe that falling in love is a feeling, but being in love is not. It’s a conscious choice. I am unashamed to say i want to love you.”
I’m at the end of the blank white screen Amwadeghu. I hope he reads it. He is an ardent fan of yours. If the Covid season ends, just call whenever you’re in town and we can have whiskey on the rocks. As for now I’ll call it a day. Maybe karma will smile my way someday.