Heaven Go Easy on Me

Day 1462 since we first met.


All beginnings have an end. What would happen if I said bye bye? Life is becoming harder each day. Each new day presents new uncertainties. I no longer know what is going on. We’ve been seeing each other for quite some time now. I’m at a point where I feel this relationship is stagnant. I don’t know if he has plans of taking this thing to a next level. The stalemate is too much. I don’t think I can stay in such an arrangement any longer. It’s been four years now, I’m not sure if he has plans marrying me or even introducing me to his people. I really wish his people would be my people. Whenever I touch on that subject he would avoid it all together. People talk. People say alot of things. Some say perhaps I should get pregnant and trap him. But what would be the joy of bringing forth a child  into this world if it’s done solely because of selfish interests?I’m at a point where I feel like If he doesn’t work something out, I’ll just leave because i honestly don’t know what his plans are and I don’t want to waste my time.

“Babe what are your plans?about us?is there a future ahead? I don’t see myself staying in this for long. What are your visions? which direction are we heading to?” These are the questions that I always ask myself everyday. I’m so distressed at this point.


I don’t know why you worry alot. I never understand why you want to leave. It’s not an easy road for me either. We began dating when we both used ‘x’ instead of ‘s’ while we messaged each other of our undying love. You might think that the grass is always greener on the other side. The lush green colour of that grass on that side has been worked out on. It has been well watered, well lawned, and been looked after so good. At times I feel that you put me in a hard place. Placed in between the devil and the deep blue sea. All are areas I wouldn’t want to be in. Your moods at times makes the conditions of living unfavorable in the house. I know there’s been someone eyeing you. There’s a difference between gate men and getting men. Each of us got a stick. I’m not the same as them.


These days you act too busy for me. You leave early and come back home late. At times you reek of alcohol. Thrice I’ve smelt  different fragrances. I don’t want to think that there’s someone else whose bed you are warming. We’ve been reduced to small talk recently. We only talk about the basic neccesities that makes sure the day to day activities of the house are maintained. You no longer call during the day to check on how I’m doing. They’ve become few each day. What would happen then if we getting married yet we can’t communicate effectively?


Relax. You are the woman I’d want to spend my life with even after I retire. I know we haven’t been talking for a while. A man is not only relegated to what is between the trousers. It’s about keeping you safe and protecting you. The person close to my heart. Protection comes in many forms. I’m not busy but it’s priorities. I’ll only feel okay when I know you won’t have to worry about having a roof over your head. Bills need to be paid. I’d appreciate if you also chipped in. I’m thinking of having kids and a family someday. We have to cut down on some unnecessary stuff. We’ve both outgrown  living life in the fast lane. We need to think about the future. Of what would happen when our first born would yell his bloody lungs out at three in the morning. Our best days by then would have been those photos hanging in the picture frame. I want to become much more than Santa Claus. We’d be swimming in much money and presents. I have a plan. And I’m working on it, all I need from you is your support.


Forever begins with I do. But nothing lasts forever. My sister and brother look up to me for answers. Our fathers and mothers want to know that they raised us right. They need to know that we are doing just fine on our own. The little birdy learnt how to spread its wings and it now flies on it’s own in the vast sky.

I know hun, we can’t live like this forever. We’ve got to make ourselves some money or we would be thrown out with the bathwater. I’ve been busting my ass for long from various forms of employments. Money is never enough I know. Atleast I want to be in that place where  I know basic necessities won’t be an issue to us. Especially housing.

Won’t it be a good life when we’ll know it’s a simple one without any complications. As we both sit in the yard watching the leaves go by reading good books and playing songs with the guitar. You’d bring a bottle of wine and two glasses and you’d make me sit in the front porch as we watch the wind blow through our front yard.

I want to create a home with you. A house is not a home without you.

I know we going through tough times. Don’t follow your head. Follow your heart.

I can picture you sitting all alone in the living room waiting for me to come home. All windows are open but you don’t want to go out.

There’s alot we need to talk about so as to figure things out. For the last four years it has always felt nice being with you. Despite the tumbles and falls we often have. It was good that I met you. I hope that you stay. This stalemate we having will clear soon. We would soon wallow out of this darkness we are in. There’s always dawn after every darkness.

Day 1464

Well I’m on my way coming back. All things are rushing by, the trees, the road, the wind brushing through my skin and hair as I drive home to you.

All things must end darling.

Heaven go easy on me this time.


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