For A Moment

I’m not so sure if I can mouth the words, “I love you”. I’m not sure you’d say that back. Don’t say you love me cause I can’t say it back. Don’t say you’re sorry cause you’ve done nothing bad. I had to swallow my feelings, but I can’t swallow my pride. You know I’ve got a suit of armor on. You know it’s hard to see me waiver. You know how much I hated the silence that’s why you’d always find the music playing on the background.

Papers and papers upon the working desk. Hard disks, Rams, faulty GPUs, SSDs, SATAs, and other paraphernalia of computer stuff that you never used to understand why they’d lie carelessly on that desk. In the other room would be full of machinery parts, upgrade parts stacked in nicely packed cartons. You’d often ask, “what is this for?” And when I’d answer, your technical knockout reply would, “just to know that, I don’t understand all this tech mumbo jumbo you’re saying”. Daft it was.

So many problems trying to configure out the correct power output without having a blown gasket or a power surge. I’d try to drown them out. Once in a while I’d try my luck with the arduino boards. Couple of bottles would surface as I’d work the night out, coding or doing whatever tech stuff would bring a few bucks to the table. Souvenirs would be collected. Though it’s hard to admit it the only good was when there was rearranging of guts.

All those euphoric moments. But none seemed to last like you. But also that ended. The lines were drawn and stances taken. But recently you’ve taken to a liking of trying to patch things back. To break the silence and depth between us. Truth is love, you’re chasing after something you’ll never be able to catch.

It’s like a white Nismo, always running too fast. When your heart is breaking, your body wants to take me back. But your mind and spirit are somewhere else. I don’t like the quagmire. I hate it. About the love? I truly don’t have an iota of a response towards that query. Perhaps I thought closure would be good. But I found out that the open roads and the soft purr of the engine are much more soothing. They said four wheels move the body, but two wheels move the soul.

Currently you’re trying to pull through and make things abit soft for us. A soft pad that came a bit too late after the fall. It’s not good enough. And just like that, one evening during the happy hour mode. We saw each other at the Buxton junction waiting for the lights to turn green. And when they did, I pulled up fast. Riding away too fast. There’s no point of standing still only to ask if we doing well, too scared to ask why. Looking back at how turned down knowing when we missed the ground and crashed into the ocean. You are never one with the wind. Either it’s against you or you having a good day. I hope she is happy wherever she is.

“Well, at times it takes a whole tank full of fuel before you can think straight.”

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