I won’t leave a letter, nothing at all. I’m sure you won’t notice that I’m even gone.
I have been battling with various emotions in my heart. My mind would always scream, “see now what you got yourself into. Fool”.
But I never learnt. I was back in the same state of predicament I was nine months ago. I would feel nervousness, hate, anger and remorse towards Akatsuki. Yes. She had a way of waltzing in and out of my life like she owned the goddamned palace in my heart.
I thought everyone deserves a second chance. Even sinners are always given a redeeming chance to repent their wrong doings. So I thought, Why not? Perhaps she’d be sincere this time? The only way I’d get an answer from such is to take a dip into the uncharted waters of a rebound loveless relationship.
I only wanted to find out answers to the questions of her said so nature. She wanted six months trial so that she could gain my trust. Trust was not something I dished out easily. Especially not with her. My guard and defences were always high up. Something always felt wrong and weird. Every sense within me would treat whatever I had with Akatsuki as a hostility. My aura felt different when I was around her. Wait, I haven’t been around her for that long.
We only see each other during the summer or winter breaks. Sucks I know with the long distance thingy. Trust issues have escalated to the high heavens. I’m sure the gods and goddesses must be really disappointed at a being who harbours such mixed feelings.
I have been inclined to lean onto the hope of a better future. One with full of kids running around and giggling. A happy family is all I wish for. The years are chasing by. I’m not growing any younger. Business has been good for me. I can’t complain on that. Boredom killed me at some point that I went back to school just to have a look at my own handwriting.
Just a minute. It was always pathetic. I couldn’t even read my own writing when I began. It looked like some pharmaceutical script. Lord have mercy.
Akatsuki is the life of the party. She parties alot. Time after time she complains of my frequent drinking habits. But I love my kitchen cabinet flowing with whiskey rivers. I wish I’d keep up with the same enthusiasm in church. Things would be fine perhaps.
I was worried of her constant party lifestyle. I wanted to settle. But I don’t know if she’s ready. Communication. That’s a whole matter. It’d take a whole bloody day to get her conversing with me. Twice I have observed. Thrice such complaints got blamed by her having a hangover. Poor Mr. Hangover and alcohol, your name would be scapegoats to every lass in this city who had a night of bad decisions.
Before the blood becomes too much in my alcohol circulatory system and I call a taxi while I’m in my own living room. Okay. Why would I take a taxi to bring me home, while I’m home?
“Kogami-san one day your liver would be no more. You drink like a fish, you don’t trust anyone. What’s wrong with you anyway?” Akatsuki would ask.
“Problem is you. I trust no part of you. My instincts often give me the hint of fleeing. For every retribution I’ve given you. It’s been a disappointment. But why am I in this whole mess in the first place? I haven’t healed. The scars often bleed when you are around. It’s always peaceful when you are not around. I’d pop up my head and see the sky out of the bubbly brown whiskey rivers. I want to see the sun again”. I’d always have that answer in my head. I never voiced it out.
It’s a beautiful Monday morning. I don’t hate the smell of pickles anymore, I’m not hangovered , I look clean and fresh. I think it’s time I walked out on Akatsuki. Yes, yes, some would say it’s a cowardice way. I can’t call her and tell her, “Hi, shit’s not working”. Then the guilt feeling washes over me. I don’t have the guts to do so. I break hearts in other ways. But not that. So genius me thought it’s better if I just ghosted myself into oblivion.
I fish out a cigarette and light it up as I mount on my speed bike. Helmet dangling from the side, backpack on. I’ll be gone. I don’t know for how long.
But I’m sure she won’t notice that I’m even gone.
I want to feel the air brush against my face. I want to be as free as a bird and to roam the vast endless sky. From horizon to horizon.