A for Aoki.




“Hold on, Hope is strong.” She said to him.

Your wounds they show. Your scars are bleeding. They tell of a struggle within you. She knew you had never felt so low. But hold on. She knows you’ll be strong. Hold on till you hear them come. It’s a dark place you’re in. The sun doesn’t light your path. It’s not okay. It’s not okay walking a dark path without any light. There’s always a light at the end of every tunnel. There’s always dawn after dark.

You said the light at the end of the tunnel might be another train waiting to ram whatever’s left of you. So much has happened that your views became more of a pessimist. Kneel down. Take an angel by the wings. Tell her everything. You can’t do everything by yourself. Everyone needs help at some point. It shouldn’t be necessarily human or some sort of divine intervention. It might come from what you believe in.

Look out in the sky. Just call out to the sky, and don’t ask why, take an angel by the wings Aoki. Beg her for anything. Ask her for one more day, ask for more strength to stay. Hope begins with you. Inner strength comes from within. You can do anything, take time to tell her. She was sure that your guardian angel is listening.

You want to make things right, everything has to be put in order. You don’t want to go to heaven. It’s too soon for you. She didn’t want another mentor or friend, Aoki. When the rain rained down that night and smelled like cotton candy, her cat died right in front of her eyes and went to heaven. When she walked into a room which smelled of antiseptics and anaesthesia worse than the smell of a liquor store, after her brother fell from the rooftop of a bus they were living in after they ran away from home. Her brother died in front of her eyes and went to heaven.

She didn’t want him to go to heaven.

“I don’t want you to go to heaven Aoki.”

“It doesn’t matter if they said you had brain cancer. I don’t believe in the reports.” She said.

We should seek a second and third doctors opinion. She knows you’ll tell her that she should go somewhere else and let you alone so that you could die in peace. The doctor said you’ve got only eighteen months to live. She insisted that you seek another opinion. You did go. Due to her relentless pressure. The reports came worse. Four months they said. She still wasn’t convinced. “Go home to your parents Inoue,” Aoki told her.

Inoue didn’t have anywhere to go. Inoue was autistic. Inoue is stubborn. She doesn’t accept things easily. She doesn’t easily make body contact, unless she lets you. Aoki was everything to her. He was like a father to her. It’s because of him, the far she has reached. She has photographic memory and she has a way of solving the most of complex situations and problems in the technological world.

She wrote a letter to him before she handed over her resignation letter.

Dear Aoki,

I won’t go anywhere. Sometimes things seem so broken that they can’t be fixed. I can still see where the water was and the lines on top of the chimney bricks whenever I have coffee at the rooftop restaurant. I know I’m weird and autistic. Everyday I drive past the place I used to live. I used to think things were hard and some are not able to be fixed. But we always build it better the second time around. So stop calling in sick. Pass by my office when you head over to work. I miss the apples you do bring during lunch hour. I quit my job. I want to go on a long drive with you. If it makes you feel better. I have saved enough money. We’ll find a way to make everything memorable.

It’s not the end of the road I believe. Think of the smell of pine breeze trees. No need to feel alone or carry alone. We all need someone to hold.


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