I’m trying to hold my breath, let it stay this way. I can’t let this moment end. You set off a dream in me. It gets louder each day. Can you hear it echoing? I will stretch my hand, hoping you will take it and share my dreams with me. Cause father without you, all the shines of a thousand spotlights and all the stars that I’d have stolen from the night sky would not be enough. Towers of diamonds are still little without having your presence around, these hands could hold the hands but I don’t think if it would still be enough.
Every night I close my eyes, and I can see a world that is waiting for us. A world we can call our own. Through the dark, through where only you have been before, but it feels like home. I know it kind of sounds crazy, maybe all can say I’m crazy. At times maybe they can say it, but we can always live in a world we design. Every night I lie in bed, and when I think of you pops, the brightest colours fill my head. A million dreams keeping me awake. When I close my eyes, the phosphenes light up the dark. And I think of what the world would be if you would still be alive. A vision I would want to see, one I would want to take a risk for a million dreams. For a million dreams for the world I would make for mother.
There is always that house we can buy, build, and every room filled with your grandchildren running around. With things from far away, the special things I would compile. Like for instance the simple luncheons and game drives that would make both of you smile. On a rainy day we would flip the pages over of those old photo albums and you’d tell me stories of the past. I just wish we could rewrite the stars, I can’t. But maybe God can.
You see pops, no one still wants to believe it that you are gone. It was just a matter of minutes before it went all down. We were afraid to admit it, I was afraid to admit it. We should have known better but we kept trying, but it broke us when we saw the fire dying out of your eyes. For the first time when I travelled back to that dimension I felt helpless. We were out of chances, and I want you to know that you and me we were good. Of course it is a bit hard, but I know we’ll both make it and I hope you will be happy now.
It was January 28th, on a Thursday. The roses came, but they took you away. Tattooed in my heart is a charm to keep all the harm away. I get to keep myself every day, even in the toughest situations but the truth is that you’re gone. I feel sad because I will never get to show you these beautiful pieces. Dad, you should see the articles and books I have penned down. I see you standing next to mum each time I told I was coming home. And you guys would wait for me at the bus stop till I’d arrive. Both of you asking me if I was okay and what kept me long.
I have to admit that there are days I’d be losing my faith, because father you weren’t good you were great. And you would always say, “Writing is the home for your pain.” I was young back then, and whenever my rage would flare up he would tell me to take that rage and put it in a page. And when I was of sane mind, he’d tell me, blow the roof off the place from your purest intentions.
I try every day in my life to make you proud, cover the footsteps you left and I hope you up there with God telling him, “That’s my son Amwadeghu, he writes beautiful pieces. You should upgrade your library so that his books could fit somewhere in the shelves.”
I still look for your face in the crowd every day and only wonder if you could still see me now. I do not know if you would stand in disgrace or take a bow. If you would see me now burning that midnight oil trying to come up with an article, would your recognize me? Would you tell me that this sentence ain’t grammatically correct? Would you hold a hand that became cold since they took you away?
It has been four years now dad, but I still see you as clear as day. At times I just wish I could hear you say, “You have had enough. You’ve drunk too much whiskey and smoked too much cigars.” But maybe you see me from the heavens above, I remember you telling me that I won’t know a winner till I crossed paths with one.
“The greatest heartbreak won’t ever come from a woman, but it would come from what you believe in most and it would shake your most fundamental core values.” You used to say that. Apart from mother’s love, I never knew real love till I loved and then I lost it.
It’s not me who is still reeling from the loss because someone lost a son, a brother, and an uncle. We are all missing you now. Dad I’m just missing you now. I have never been a stranger to the dark. I learned to embrace it, for where there is darkness light always avails itself. And we thrive to stay in the balance. Because no one will love me like the way you did. But one thing I know for sure, at times water is thicker than blood. I came face to face with all my fears, learned my lessons amidst tough times, and made memories I knew that would never fade.
I remember him telling me that at some point this wild life will live for younger days, and I should think of him whenever I was afraid. There are nights that never die, like the night of 28th January, the day he went beyond the veil. And I went beyond the shores, and I would not forsake this life of mine, because whenever I’d look at the Northern Stars, I know he would guide me home.
“Enjoy The Sun, Sand, and The Sea.”
Rest in Power. Sit in The Hall of Fame, for the world already knows your name.
Eddy Mwadeghu 1963-2016.